i have had lingering flashes of thought in my tiny little head for several years now; i have mentioned this in passing to several friends and i have no idea why i still have flashes of this memory – i played doctor with the boy across the street (older than me) and the girl across the street (younger). i just had another thought that i don’t think i’ve had before – which was about that girl… i had never been reminded of what happened with her and although my role was passive i have to wonder if she is plagued by strange memories (of violation?
I told Eriko that Sara had made contact with me, but she didn’t care. Then I told her that Susie was visiting and I didn’t care for some of her friends. Her reaction to this was to tell me that she didn’t care for some of my friends. I found the transition strange and thought maybe she was defending Susie. After speaking with Dave, however, he believes that Eriko is threatened by Susie.
duh – i realized that Eriko is testing me: my limits, my patience, my reactions. hah! no study is necessary for this test because i can only do my best. ;P i am testing her too, although my emotions easily cloud my viewpoint making it difficult for me to see what the questions are…. ;P
one other thought… i now believe that when Sara told me she wanted to date other people, she may have been trying to to get me to chase her… however, i saw it as my chance to exit, since i had no desire to chase her further…. as i withdrawal from Eriko, if she is indeed the woman for me, then she will feel the desire to chase.only time will tell on such things as this.
i have to admit that i get frustrated by the amount of communication between me and Eriko. it doesn’t feel natural. i feel like i hold back and i don’t really care for that. additionally, Eriko told me that she wanted to chase me, but i don’t see it happening. i have the urge to withdrawal but i don’t know what that means or where it will lead. i’m not happy with myself and it became very obvious last night.
