I have looked at this book on my shelf so many times that I have lost count. Finally, tonight, I pick it up, with the intention to learn and to enjoy. My homework is not yet finished but I have spent four grueling hours coming up with tiny bits of information. Admittedly, I am closer – making each minute worth it. Tomorrow at work I need to ensure that my daemon can correctly handle distributed operations – I am aware of several bugs and expect many to come.

A book by Mr. Gates which I have not read – but that is not the topic here. In the coming week I have a project I need to finish at work, along with two homework assignments and an exam to begin studying for. Eriko has communicated to me that she is feels more light in life; I am glad that by speaking our minds we have improved both of our conditions.

I believe what has occurred recently has been the bursting of the romantic bubble that I have been encased in. I realized what I was feeling, I realized that I was hurt and upset, and I had the courage to act on it. I had to tell Eriko that I was considering leaving her, and why. In some ways I felt as if I could be pushing her away, but I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t upset.

i realize that i become convinced that you are thinking or feeling some way when it may not be true at all – maybe i am so impatient and demanding that it is easier for me to believe what my head is telling me than to wait for you to give me an answer. i don’t want to leave you. i want to learn to love you. not just the paltry quick love-at-first-sight but true, deep, meaningful love.

so i have recently begun to realize that when i fall in “love” this shield falls over my eyes and numbs my body. it makes me feel euphoric and enslaves me at the same time. i willingly submit to it, unaware of the pain and stress that is being inflicted on my soul. i am a drugged slave, trading my life for a few more minutes of “love.” St. Paul described love (a butchered version):

I don’t know. I just got off the phone with Brian and he told me (and I agree) that I have been a complete and utter idiot. I put “the cart before the horse,” or rather I thought (and think) of marriage before I establish good lines of communication and really get to know someone. My heart is wild and I don’t (yet) have the strength or wisdom to control it.