Sweeeeet, I got another 100. All this means is that I’ve got to keep it up! It was a little difficult to concentrate on dynamic & linear programming tonight, however, as I was thinking of Eriko. I am a little frustrated that she hasn’t met my family yet. That seems to be a very crucial step along the road for us to get married. What is confusing is that she is willing to allow me to pay off her loan, but she doesn’t seem to let me buy her a ticket.
Life is about learning of yourself; today is one of those confusing days for me. I’m upset and overwhelmed. Work and school are pressures and they can be pretty frustrating, but I seem to be able to stay calm and ride out the storm. My heart, however, is another matter. Paying off Eriko’s loan is a strange thing – but mainly it seems like I am setting myself up for hardship.
I send an email to Eriko and inform her of my red-light ticket; of course my email is completely biased and I ridicule the officer and the ticket, labeling the latter as stupid. I’m not sure what I was expecting but apparently it was different then what I received based on the mental shock my system has gone through. Eriko’s opinion is that I’m stupid and I deserve the ticket. My first reaction was laughter; followed by confusion, indignation, and discomfort.
I’m going to wire Eriko some money today. I won’t pay off her loan in one shot; its just too much. I am not independently wealthy… shucks. This is strange for me… but I trust her.
The word Eriko used to describe herself. She’s torn – to be with me or not to be; to be near her family or not. Even though she sends me no explanation, I can emphathize. She must do as she pleases, it is her life she leads. I have no choice but to continue to focus on myself and cling firmly to the hope that she has helped me to rediscover.
